 Tita
Aida has been known as an “adviser” to many queer
A&PI’s. Tackling their most complicated problems
they deal with in their everyday lives. Having 2 advice columns
in OG (Oriental Magazine, Sydney) and Noodle Magazine, she
brings her column, “Lovingly yours, Tita” to her
website. As of this time, she is contributing to SF-based
club magazine, GLOSS, keeping everyone in tab with the A&PI
social scene in San Francisco. As she awaits your letters
to pour in, Noodle Magazine is happy to allow her to re-publish
some of her favorite features here. Enjoy!
Dear Tita Aida,
I’ve always thought of myself as a gay man, but lately,
I’ve become really attracted to women. I get along with
women so much better with gay men, who I now find petty. I
find myself falling in love with women, but I just can’t
see myself getting sexually involved with them. Am I straight?
Unsure in Vancouver
Dear Unsure:
Honey, I love women, too. I guess it’s because I am
one. But sometimes there are those bitches I can’t stand.
The ones that I know look good-dare I say, better than me.
But you see, just as there is jealousy, there are women that
I simply admire and love. But it doesn’t mean that I’m
going to start a new career in lipstick lesbian porn either.
Straight women have always found it socially acceptable to
look at, compliment and even be physically close to other
women. They even call each other “girlfriends,”
but no one ever assumes they’re gay. So it has always
also been the tradition, long before, Julia Roberts had Rupert
Everett, that gay men and straight women can be close, admire
each other and be each other’s “girlfriend”,
without anything funny going on. If it wasn’t true,
Will & Grace” would be science fiction.
But I don’t suppose this is news to you. What you need
to know if there’s something more than the admiration
and camaraderie you find with women. Do you feel like you’re
truly wanting more? Do you get weak in the knees when you
think of a special lady? A friend once told me this: If a
person makes you feel good in your heart, that’s one
thing. But if a person makes you feel good in there and down
there, then you’ve may well have something else going
on besides mere platonic appreciation for somebody. And if
you find yourself getting weak in the knees (or perhaps feeling
your, ahem, spirits rising) for a woman, well, just go with
what comes naturally.
Of course, you may find yourself identifying as bisexual.
That may sound very obvious, but if you already have come
out to yourself as gay and have lived under that title for
a while, you may have a hard time giving yourself some space
to explore your heterosexual feelings as well. And you don’t
have to put your rainbow flag on eBay, either.
xoxox,
Tita
Published: Noodle Magazine, Fall 2002
Dear Tita Aida,
I’ve been in the same relationship for ten years. We met when I was 20 and he was 40. We have a happy and healthy relationship. The trouble is, everyone we meet assumes, with the difference in age and the fact that he’s white and I’m Asian, that he’s my daddy. To be frank, I make more money than he does and in bed, I’m the top. How do I let them know that at age 30, I’m hardly a child and that it’s really none of anybody’s business?
Tired of assumptions in New York
It’s really sad that gay Asians are stereotyped as “daddy’s little boy” when in a relationship with a man who is white. But darling, he is 20 years older than you! What are people supposed to think? Look, Anna Nicole Smith was persecuted for marrying a 90- year old oil tycoon, even though she eventually came out on top with millions of dollars, her own TV show, and even a gay Asian man in her life—her decorator.
But seriously, people will think whatever they want and there’s nothing you or I can do. However, your type of relationship is very common in our community. For whatever reasons (which I’m not going to get into), there are many young gay Asian men who are with older white men. The debate between rice queens, potato queens and sticky rice is a never-ending one but what people sometimes forget is that real love is color-blind and ageless. People fall in love for many reasons and I am just happy that you’ve found each other.
For the sound of it, you’re in a happy and healthy relationship and I’m sure both of you have matured gracefully together. It does get a little annoying when assumptions are made even if they are not true. As long as you’re secure in your relationship and you avoid those who assume the worst, then you’ll be okay. Trust me, do you think that Anna Nicole cares what people think of her with all that money? I don’t think so either
Dear Tita Aida,
I did it. I had sex with my boss. The trouble is, now he wants more. I’ve tried letting him know by brushing off the winks and fondles. We never really talked about what we did and what happens (or doesn’t happen) now. I don’t know if I could confront him so close to performance review time. Help!
Worried in the Mission
Okay, you know what they say about hindsight? No, not about looking at peoples’ asses, dear. Hindsight is 20/20 honey and I think you know now that mixing business with pleasure is always a bad think. I can tell you this from years of my own experience—all those years of my own experience—all those years that I could not work because my employers had more on their mind than putting me on the bankroll.
But of course, you can’t reverse what’s happened. All I have to say about that is I hope that your little romp with your boss was worth the awkward place that you’ve gotten yourself into now. Nothing you’ve done is illegal, maybe a little tacky, but you have drifted into a danger zone where a little tryst could develop into something like sexual harassment.
It sounds to me that you don’t want anything more from your boss. So the point is for you to let him know—clearly and directly. Send him an email if you have to, that way you can hold him to it later if he denies getting a clear signal from you to stop his flirting. And once you’ve done that, don’t go back and start flirting back. The last thing you need is more confusion.
The fact that you’re coming close to your performance review means that you should make you lack of interest known immediately. First, because you don’t want your review to be based on you performance in bed rather than your performance at work, and second, if you do in fact receive a poor review, and you think that it’s in retaliation for stopping the sexual relationship, it would only be proof that you were discriminated against.
But I hope that nothing gets to the point where you find your job or your work environment in jeopardy. It doesn’t have to be a bad situation if you’re mature enough to make your feelings known, and if he’s professional enough not to make an issue out of your personal relationship on your review. Just take from this experience a lesson: unless you’re looking for a new career in the exciting world of prostitution (or pop superstar-dom), there’s no reason for you to put out for better pay.
To write to Tita, email her at info@titaaida.com.
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